Fear

Wow, it has been almost a week since I have blogged which I think might actually be the longest that I have gone since I started a blog but I have been fairly busy and haven't had anything particularly profound to say.

Well, tonight I had a realization! I think that I try to act nonchalant and as if I am not really afraid of anything. At least I try to make myself think this. I try to act as if I am not really worried about what happens to me or whatever but tonight I realized this simply is not true. I don't think I am going to be able to fool myself anymore! The truth of the matter is...I am scared of everything.

How did I come to this realization? Well, I decided to walk to the grocery store around 11 because I thought that I wanted icecream although I am pretty sure now that I just wanted to get out of my apartment really badly. Anyways, on my way home I was going to walk the river trail  which I have heard it is not particularly smart to walk at night. I figured that I wasn't really scared and that I would be fine and that if something happened to me...well then that was just the way life goes. However, I got a quarter of the way on the trail, and it started getting really dark, and I stepped in some mud and almost slipped, and the river was so high and rushing by and I could hear it even over my super loud music and I was clutching my keys on which I keep a thing of pepper spray and I turned around and decided to take the more well lit way home because I was scared. That's right, I am scared of everything it turns out! I am scared of the dark, I am scared of the river, I am scared of strangers that look at me funny, I am scared of the way people perceive me, I am scared to go to bed at night in my empty apartment, and I am scared to death to ask the guy that I am interested on a date because I am scared to death of being rejected!

Most of all I think that I am scared that I am going to wake up some day and realize that I was too scared to really live my life!