Fear

Wow, it has been almost a week since I have blogged which I think might actually be the longest that I have gone since I started a blog but I have been fairly busy and haven't had anything particularly profound to say.

Well, tonight I had a realization! I think that I try to act nonchalant and as if I am not really afraid of anything. At least I try to make myself think this. I try to act as if I am not really worried about what happens to me or whatever but tonight I realized this simply is not true. I don't think I am going to be able to fool myself anymore! The truth of the matter is...I am scared of everything.

How did I come to this realization? Well, I decided to walk to the grocery store around 11 because I thought that I wanted icecream although I am pretty sure now that I just wanted to get out of my apartment really badly. Anyways, on my way home I was going to walk the river trail  which I have heard it is not particularly smart to walk at night. I figured that I wasn't really scared and that I would be fine and that if something happened to me...well then that was just the way life goes. However, I got a quarter of the way on the trail, and it started getting really dark, and I stepped in some mud and almost slipped, and the river was so high and rushing by and I could hear it even over my super loud music and I was clutching my keys on which I keep a thing of pepper spray and I turned around and decided to take the more well lit way home because I was scared. That's right, I am scared of everything it turns out! I am scared of the dark, I am scared of the river, I am scared of strangers that look at me funny, I am scared of the way people perceive me, I am scared to go to bed at night in my empty apartment, and I am scared to death to ask the guy that I am interested on a date because I am scared to death of being rejected!

Most of all I think that I am scared that I am going to wake up some day and realize that I was too scared to really live my life!

Nothing is Final Until Your Dead...

Well, I really wanted to blog because I haven't for a few days but I don't really know what to say. Um...I had a pretty fun weekend actually! I remarkably got a good deal of my homework done yesterday and today...unfortunately not all of it yet! Then last night I went to the Nicklecade with a group of friends which is always fun because I am friends with some absolutely amazing people. We then went and got Boba's. A Boba is a smoothie type drink with tapioca balls in it although my ended up not having any of those in it because there was such a big group of us and they messed up three different times (giving us the mistakes each time) and by time they made mine there was no boba left! We then went and played BANG! One of the best games ever!

Then today I had the wonderful privileged of celebrating one of my friend's birthdays with her...ten days late. Earlier today we went to the park and did bubbles and played duck, duck, whatever and then had a flour fight so we were all covered in flour. Then, I went for a walk with a friend and it was neat to just get to talk to her. Then I got to get all fancy and go to the second half of the birthday party which was a "Mocktail" party. It was great! I found that if I were to become an alcoholic then Strawberry Daiquiris and Mojitos would be drinks of choice! 

So, great weekend and there is still one day left, Sunday! Hooray!

In other news...
My list is going fairly well! I am on the third of fifty books! I am still slowly making progress on asking questions! My mom is sending me my cake decorating stuff so that I can teach my friend ShaNez how to decorate a character cake! I have made it to the temple twice this month now (which just makes me happy), I hope to start writing a letter to Lisa tomorrow...I don't know what else I am working on but hopefully I will get there! I am a master of making goals that I cannot complete so...we'll see how this goes!

It is funny because there is so much other stuff that I totally could have put on my list that may have been much easier for me to accomplish but I will just try to do as many of those things as well and it should prove to be a fantastic summer! Especially once Spring term is OVER! he he

Sometimes you do learn valuable things in school!

So, we have been talking about philosophy a lot in my Foundations of Education class and for the most part I have no idea what the professor is ever talking about or trying to get across but today he put some stuff up that I really liked and felt like sharing for no real reason...I just feel like it!

I have always loved Shakespeare's 116th Sonnet which says-

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 

But even more than that I loved this by Frank Lloyd Wright-

If you foolishly ignore beauty, you will soon find yourself without it. Your life will be impoverished. But if you wisely invest in beauty, it will remain with you all the days of your life!

I thought that this was truly amazing and I would encourage us all to pay attention to the beauty in our lives, no matter the source, that we are able to better appreciate it!

Photograph(s)...

So, I just got this e-mail and it happened to be pictures from my mom...from Christmas! Yep, it took her this long to send me the pictures from Christmas but some are so cute that I just have to share!

 I just loved the way he is looking at me in this picture! This is my younger nephew, Tristan!

 My babies mauling me during my naptime! lol!

 Brotherly love, Tommy is the older one and Tristan is the redhead!

 My younger brother and sister got the boys cowboy hats! There mom was not too thrilled!

A Little Too Much

Everybody hurts just a little too much
Everybody hurts but it's never enough
It's wonderful to fall
Let's love and risk it all
I'd rather love just a little too much 

Okay so tonight I saw a movie and in it the character is in love with this guy but she thinks that a guy like him who is so good looking and smart and funny could never like a girl like her! This is something that I can totally relate to! When I fall for guys I usually get the impression that he is probably way out of my league and that a guy like him couldn't possibly like me! That I would never be his type! This is something that I have been feeling quite a bit lately. The guy that I am interested in, isn't the typical kind of guy that I find myself falling for and I am not sure that I see myself as being his type. However, in the movie the guy was totally in love with the girl the whole time too. So, guys...when we look at you and get super scared because you seem to be the airbrushed image of perfect, you need to give us a hint if you are interested in us! This would be really helpful, just so you know! However, it also brought out the premise that sometimes you have to take a risk in order to find that happiness and truly live your life, this is something that I am going to try a little more! As much as I view myself as an open book where my feelings are concerned, I am also rather reserved with them because I am scared of putting myself out there and getting hurt! I am a work in progress!

Okay...my list! I am happy to announce that I have completed one of the 21 things on that list! I wore each of my nails a different color for an entire week and it was fun and eccentric! 

In progress...

1. Reading or rereading the books that I own by Meg Cabot! I have completed the first book, which is Abandon and it was my first time reading it! Very good but interesting! Next will be three books that may seem out of a order a bit alphabetically but it will be the Airhead trilogy!!

3. Also, watched the first four episodes of Avatar: The Last Airbender series, very fun despite how tired we all were!

9. The questions are in progress of being asked...I get up a little nerve every once in a while

14. Currently in the process of listening to album number 1...Hollywood Undead-American Tragedy

16. I visited the temple yesterday and it was fantastic! (I am going to actually try for once a week but the goal is as long as I make it once a month!)

So, I am making good progress! I still fear that maybe I put a few things on there that will be unaccomplishable but I am going to do what I can to make this a success and have a great time doing so! :) 

Shoutout!

Okay so I have to give a shout-out to Sara who is old today! He he! I know that I already texted you and wrote on your Facebook but I had to tell you once again how absolutely AMAZING you are!! I just love your guts and am so glad that I have the amazing opportunity to know you! You can put a smile on my face without saying a word! I hope that you have the most absolutely, positively, terrifically, wonderfully, fantabuloso birthday ever!!! :)

All By Myself

Livin' alone

I think of all the friends I've known

But when I dial the telephone

Nobody's home

All by myself

Don't wanna live

All by myself

Anymore

So today I came home to quite a surprise, a note on my coffee table from my roommate telling me that she had moved out. Her room is pretty much empty and she is gone. When I asked her brother about it, he didn't know that she was going to move out either! Now I live alone again! Sad Day!! :(

My New Mantra...

Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty
Is the face in the mirror looking back at you
You walk around here thinking you're not pretty
But that's not true, cause I know you...

*Disclaimer: Okay so this post is going to be a bit more personal so if you don't like mushy, personal stuff then I guess you can bugger off because apparently I am the type of person who puts everything out there for the internet world to read!

So, lately I have been having a bit of a hard time with things. I have been stressed with school and my own personal thoughts and it has brought me down. I was talking to some of my friends about how I need to learn to love myself and how I have this idea that I am not capable of being loved by another human (especially males) and how I need to stop this way of thinking. So one of my friends instructed me to come up with five things about myself that I like, that I am good at, and that make me lovable. So this is not meant to be conceded in any way but is meant rather so that I can see something besides my faults. It is so easy to believe when people say bad things about you and much harder to believe it when people complement you. So...here are the five things...

1. I am good at cooking and baking! I am capable of making meals and desserts that not only I get to enjoy but that others get to enjoy as well!

2. I am a compassionate, giving person! If someone is in need, I do my best to reach out to them and offer them the help that they need.

3. I am intelligent. I have done well in school, enjoy learning, and am attending a great university.
4. I am open to new experiences and trying new things. I enjoy having fun and helping others to have a good time as well. I am fun to be around.

5. Finally, the hardest one for me to see and accept sometimes but is nonetheless true...I AM BEAUTIFUL! Both inside in spirit and on the outside!

So, my new mantra...I AM A DAUGHTER OF GOD WHO IS BEAUTIFUL AND I AM WORTH IT!!!

On a lighter note...I have been working on my list of things to do! I still have until Thursday night to before my nails can cease being a different color each. I am making plans to attend the temple, hopefully later this week. I am hoping to start my reading later this week as well (which with school could be interesting!) I am building a list of music to listen to! I still need movie suggestions! And I wrote my list of 25 questions to ask my crush...now to work up the nerve to actually ask them (which was the point and yet is going to be VERY difficult for me!!!)

Different Types of Readers

Today in my foundations of Literature class we were having a discussion about how there are different kinds of readers. Now loving books I would consider myself an avid reader of novels. However, these are not the kinds of readers that I couldn't help but think about. I was thinking about the types of readers who have the innate ability to read people! This is an ability that I have always wished that I had but unfortunately do not possess. I feel that if I had this ability it would be easier to tell what people think and if in fact guys might be interested in me.

However, in the opposing view I happen to be very easy to read, or so I am told. Apparently I read like an open book! And we're not talking some deep intellectual work that you need a dictionary to decipher. Today I was told that I wear my heart on my sleeve, so willing to give my love away. This is something that I could agree with and has led to me being hurt a few times. However, I just can't seem to find faults in anyone except myself (of whom all I see is faults). I don't know why I thought to share this but I guess basically because I am wondering if maybe I should try to protect my heart a little bit more and make it harder for people to turn the pages of my life and read my story?! Hmm...

Pachyderm in the Room

What do you do when it is after two in the morning and you can't sleep but you don't want to work on homework either as you should...apparently you blog! I think I may have developed a new addiction!

Anyways, yesterday I was watching the most recent episode of the TV show Bones and it had a premise that was radical honesty. There was a whole group of people who always told the truth. It talked about how even if you are choosing to omit the truth then technically you are lying. This got me thinking...what would it be like to live by radical honesty? What if I could just go up to the guy I like and say it flat out? What if I could call my dad up on the phone and tell him that he has missed out on over half of my life and that he should really regret it? What if I could be radically honest with myself? I don't know why but this was such an interesting concept to me! I thought about how it mentioned that when people tell the truth all of the time they come off abrasive. But sometimes I feel as if I am missing out because I can't seem to tell someone something that I really want to.

Then again, I sort of tried this once! I told the guy that I liked how I liked him and his response was..."I know." And then he walked off. It took me five long hard years to get over that particular guy too! So...I guess the moral here is that we can lie to ourselves which probably hurts us...or we can tell the truth, which can also hurt us! Hmm...depressing thought!

"The lingering question kept me up
2am, who do you love?
I wonder till I'm wide awake
Now I'm pacing back and forth, wishing you were at my door

Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you"